Soul Mate
Conversation over sushi.
Her friend: Do you think soulmates really do exist? Because I’m starting to think we just find what works the best and make due.
His friend: I think we trick ourselves into believing we’ve found a soulmate because we’re too in denial to admit we’re just settling.
Him: I’ve found my soulmate, but life just won’t allow us to be together.
Her heart sank 10,000 leagues under the sea. Her ears popped from the change in pressure. A cinder block of guilt was tied around her. Soulmate. No she was not his soulmate. He thinks she’s not with him because life won’t allow it. Because she’s committed and happy. The truth is, even if she were single she wouldn’t want to be with him. If only this summer hadn’t happened. If only she’d exercised some self-control. If only she didn’t cherish the way it felt when he stroked her ego. The reflection of herself in his eyes, that was all she came even close to loving about him. And now his soulmate. How disgustingly sad for him.
She shoved a rainbow roll in her mouth so she didn’t have to speak. The conversation turned by the time she swallowed. Soulmate. She excused herself, went outside, and called hers. He didn’t know he was there.
Older Man #1
In church, two pews forward, a couple scoots to the left. There he was. Quick glance at his left hand as he brushes something off his shoulder. No ring. Exactly what she’d craved since that silly tv show. She’d never thought about it before, other than the cliche professor fantasy in college. An older man. A man. At least thirty, preferrably closer to 40. Grey. At least some. Settled, employed, professional, but vulnerable. A father figure. In church. How appropriate.
Eye contact, glances. Nothing more than that. For months. A handshake during the meet and greet, but always that eye contact. She caught him looking the third week she came. Barely. It wasn’t a casual glance. There was something there – curiousity? He lingered just enough to throw some kindle on her growing interest. Alone. He is always alone. Who does he remind her of? From a movie… American Beauty! Kevin Spacey’s character. In his eyes, that same insecurity and curiousity.
Nothing more than eye contact and lingering glances for months. Over 6 now.
An unseasonably warm Sunday in February. Up to 75 in bipolar St.Louis. Something in the air. Something different about him today. The glance. He notices I’m here. Meet and greet… the handshake lingers. He lingers, stands there awkwardly after “Good Morning, nice to see you.” He wants to say something. I want him to say something. I want to be bold but I don’t want to scare him away, he’s always seemed a bit skiddish. Nothing. What a shame, I could’ve sworn I sensed something different today.
My eyes ache adjusting to the strangely bright warmth as I step outside. Someone is rushed behind me, so I shuffle to the side as I push aside receipts and used packs of gum in an attempt to find my keys in the oversized white hobo bag. Expecting a shoulder to brush past me I hear an unfamiliar voice behind me. “Enjoying the nice weather today?” I turn. Smile. I knew I sensed something different. “Yes, but the weather here can be such a tease. It’s supposed to snow tomorrow.” I use the word “tease” on purpose. A naughty word for the church steps. I hope he notices the inuendo. Nothing too obvious, just enough for him to wonder. Not another word. We walk. Awkwardly. I’m one step ahead, he lingers one step behind. Our paths diverge. I say “Enjoy the day” he smiles “you too.” Strange how I could feel that change coming. We’ve made progress. That was almost a conversation.
In my car I notice in my mirror that he is turning at the stop sign. My direction. I pull out. He is right behind me. Again. He knows it’s me. My windows are down. He stays behind me. I see a coffee shop… wonder. We’ll see. I pull to the right and park in front. He drives past, but taps his break lights. He considered it. I hope he thinks about me for the next 6 days.
