Olive Branch
I sent Mr. Z an email. Email? I know, but I rightly deleted his number from my phone last time I woke up to realize I had sent him a pathetic text message in a drunken stupor the night before, begging him to let me come over and blow him. I’ve never been so embarrassed. So email is the only way I have of communicating with him, which is probably better.
Anyway, the email:
So I would be calling you to say this, but I deleted your number from my phone after I woke up one morning, mortified to see I had sent you a really embarrassing text message the night before.So I’ll just throw it out there for you in an email and you can do what you want with it.We promised things wouldn’t get awkward and they definitely did. I’ll take the resonsibility for that. Things just got really insane with XXX and I and… then exams. And I don’t think I was as ready as I thought I was to deal with going to that level with another person and as much I tried not to let it affect me, it really did. Don’t worry – what XXX and I are going through has absolutely nothing to do with you. I just mean that it was impossible not to feel like a complete whore after everything. So it’s not an excuse, but I think that’s why I got all freaked out with you and stopped talking. I was really ashamed of what I’d done and I wanted to blame it on you, so that’s where the anger came from. And then when I thought you lied about that stupid pro day I just felt like you were trying to distance yourself from me, but I was offended that you didn’t think you could just tell me straight up that you didn’t want me around.I tried my hardest just to forget you and move on, but the truth is, as much as I hate to admit it, I miss hanging out with you. And with the rest of the group. I’m sorry I let my little mini emotional break down get the best of me and I totally understand if you think I’m some kind of psycho at this point – I was actually wondering there for a second. But, the truth is the stress of exams, being completely dissappointed in myself, and potentially ending a 6 year relationship really brought out the worst in me for a while. I’m working things out now and looking back I’m more than embarrassed at how poorly I handled all the pressure.So there you go. I’m not expecting you to respond and I’m sure you’ve already forgotten any kind of fun we had together, but I wanted to explain myself. If you ever want to hang out again you know how to get a hold of me. Otherwise, have a good summer and good luck with work.
So – there it is in all its pathetic glory. I don’t know how I can miss him so god damned much as a friend while I completely hate his soul as a lover. I’ve read this email over and over and over again and each time I do, the part of me that is his friend feels relieved to have explained myself and made an attempt to make peace with him, while the ex-lover part of me is completely ashamed of taking any responsibility at all for how things turned out. So now comes the excitement of waiting for a response – which I’m not really expecting from him.
After I sent the email last night I had a dream about us. We were in the car together, on our way to a Cards game. Things were normal. We both knew everything that had happened, but we’d gotten past it. And we were having fun.
So now I’ve closed the pages of that book. It’s time to focus on him and figure out what in the hell we’re going to do with ourselves. I’m so scared that he’s been counting down the minutes until the end of this break while I’ve been sincerely enjoying the time without any romantic attachments (except for the sexless part).
aporia said,
May 17, 2008 at 6:01 am
Seems like a hard time.
But you seem to be holding up right :]