Everythings coming up…

September 30, 2008 at 7:57 am (Love/Lust) (, , , )

Roses.

1 month of so much belly-shaking laughter.  Of so many hours spent tumbling between sheets and limbs, kissing elbows and collar bones and belly buttons.

Take care, don’t let go of those handlebars.  Can’t get hurt again.

Bottles of wine clank in a pile of their empty peers. Sloppy kisses, slow kisses, giggly kisses, biting kisses.

He holds me closer every day.

And then my family. It breaks. Into a billion pieces. And I don’t want him to get cut by the shards so I try my best to sweep it under the rug before he notices.

The moon is rising and his arms bring me in closer.  Wet softness on my shoulder. I feel it starting, from the bottom of my stomach, rising faster until I barely catch it in my throat. I have to leave. I have to get away. H can’t see this part of me yet. I’m strong. Independent. No on likes a damaged girl. No one buys the broken china doll.

I rush out, grab my shoes. “I have to go.” He comes after me, takes my hand. “But I don’t want you to go.”

Those words ring in my ears for the next two days.

He tells me he thinks he might love me someday.

He describes Oregon as if its a members only club. A place everyone wants to go. Everyone wants to get in to Oregon. He grew up there. He wants to return there.

He wants me fall in love with Oregon.

We map out a road trip. Our fingers trace lines on laminated paper.

I feel inspired when I’m with him. I’ve started taking pictures again. I’ve started looking around me in search of perfect images. I want to learn another language. I want to travel more. I want to be better.

Not for him. For me. But he inspires me to find new things I want to learn.

I’m falling so quickly.

And it feels right.

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River of Lies

September 18, 2008 at 8:42 am (Love/Lust)

I don’t know why I do this.

Time and again.

I have no interest in him.

Less than no interest. The thought of being intimate him makes me cringe.

And yet…

Zach: are you in class?

me: Not yet, doing some reading
8:15 AM Zach: aww, that’s not nearly as fun as saying inappropriate things while you’re in an academic environment!
now I’m just distracting you
me: hahaha
8:16 AM yeah, we all read over each other’s shoulders in class
the interesting g-chat topics are common conversation
Zach: find anything interesting? do you chat with eachother?
8:17 AM me: yeah we make fun of questions people ask or complain about the professor, or try to make each other laugh in class
Zach: you should write haikus!
me: haha
i once read an entire conversation b/w a guy and a girl he was cheating on his gf with
scandalous
Zach: oh damn
8:18 AM was it steamy?
me: no – paranoid
Zach: aww, that’s not nearly as fun
me: they were talking about how they thought certain people were figuring things out
i wanted to send one of them a message that said – yeah, everyone sitting around you in class is figuring it out
Zach: hahahahaha, that is fantastic!
me: it was pretty funny
8:19 AM so judging by your status message, you seem to be enjoying things!
8:21 AM Zach: god, I really like work days even more than weekends
me: wow!
that’s amazing, I can’t even imagine what that would feel like
Zach: i have the best kids, and great administration
8:22 AM me: it
it’s so nice to hear things are still going well
Zach: i am such a different person
8:23 AM me: i’m so nervous that you’re going to be so happy and then you’ll become disillusioned – constantly worried for you - This is a blatant lie. Why did I say it? I don’t worry about him at all. I only think about him when he interrupts me.
Zach: this is me believing in myself again
oh, those thoughts are there
me: but it sounds like there’s no reason to fear something like that happening
Zach: i know that the beginning of the year is always different
8:24 AM but every day since the beginning of the year has been so SOLID
me: part of me wants to warn you not to let yourself get too excited, but another part of me thinks you should just really enjoy every moment that you have something to be that excited about
Zach: sometimes the kids are so good it makes me feel superfluous
8:25 AM me: that’s really great
8:26 AM Zach: i can give them tasks, and the only time they talk is to ask eachother questions
me: that almost sounds like children of the corn…
Zach: so it is a very happy zach you will see, I hope, in january
hahaha
8:27 AM well, not quite
I”m just that good!
and my expectations after last year were so low, that anything beyond actual “pull my fingernails out” torture feels like heaven
me: hahaha, yeah that makes everything seem a lot better i’m sure
8:28 AM i’m going to see my parents this weekend and i’m going to talk to them about bahrain in january. i’m hoping my mom will have some miles i can use. it shouldn’t be a problem, i just need to get my ticket - I have zero intention of breathing a word to anyone about traveling to Bahrain, nor do I have any intention to actually go there. In fact, if anything I’ll use my parents as an excuse… family trip to see my grandmother perhaps…
8:29 AM Zach: really, I can’t wait to see you
it gives me a smile every day
me: i know, i want to see this new you - No I don’t.
8:31 AM Zach: it is amazing. I was so scared when I started this year, but every day just reaffirms that I’ve chosen the right life
me: it’s about time – you’ve certainly earned it
Zach: I put in the work, and I’ve ended up at such a good place
8:32 AM all the bad things are falling away like dead skin
me: it really makes me smile to know how well things are going for you - No it doesn’t… I’m not smiling at all. I’m annoyed. I need to get this reading done for class.
8:33 AM Zach: thanks
8:34 AM I even got to print and hang my pictures this week
so like the best 30 pictures I’ve ever taken from all over the world are hanging in my apartment, it’s great!
me: i can’t wait to see it in person - I have no intention of seeing it in person. WHY AM I SAYING THIS?
8:35 AM Zach: soon :)
8:36 AM me: mmmmm :) - Ewww…
Zach: nice big bed, tons of space
it’s a great living area
8:37 AM me: you don’t have to sell me on it, i want be there bad enough, you could tell me it was a mat on a floor in an empty room and i’d be just as excited to go there – there’s nothing he could say that would make me want to be there with him… anywhere near his bed.
8:38 AM Zach: hehe
well, I can arrange a mat too
whatever you desire ;)
me: it’s not what i’m sleeping on that i desire, it’s who
8:39 AM ;) - I’m physically repulsed by every word I’m saying.
Zach: you know how to get me all “agitated”
me: :)
8:40 AM Zach: yah, hopefully by then I’ll have a car, and we can check out the island, but I wouldn’t be averse to stayin in the apartment for days on end ;)
8:41 AM me: I’ll focus on getting there, you focus on what we do once i get there – whether we leave the apartment or not, as long as you’re included it sounds amazing - No, it sounds awful. It sounds like the last place I want to be with the last person I want ot be wiht.
Zach: amen to that
8:42 AM I would love to bring you to meet my students
they are so fantastic it’s hard to believe
me: I want to meet them! THat would be great - No i don’t.
8:43 AM Zach: God, you should see how they write, how they process new information, how they synthesize it. they’re spectacular
8:44 AM sometimes I wonder if I know enough about English to teach them, then I have another fantastic lesson and I stop worrying about it
me: I’m sure you have more than enough to teach them, and they will know much more than any students unfortunate enough to have a different teacher
8:45 AM You’re both very lucky to have each other it sounds lke
like*
Zach: haha, thanks! i feel like a teacher again
whole
i can’t believe, sometimes, that I made it through that year at MASE
me: But you did, and you were rewarded for it
8:46 AM Zach: yah. I’m surprised how fast I bounced back into loving teaching again
it took me two days in the classroom to be myself again
8:47 AM and two weeks to realize that I was not horrible at it
me: Well, Zach you were meant to be a teacher, all you needed was to be put in the position where you could actually teach again
Zach: yes, 1000 times yes
8:48 AM I almost feel bad about it, because it almost comes off as bragging when someone asks me about my day
but there’s no way to be honest without saying how fantastic it is
8:49 AM me: it’s not bragging at all; if people care about you it makes them happier to hear how well you’re doing – maybe they’re just jealous
8:50 AM Zach: they should be! :)
haha
me: :)
Well, I need to get back to focusing on my reading – I cant physically withstand one more moment of conversation with you.
Zach: ok
me: You are a nice distraction, though! - You are a completely delusional annoyance.
Zach: it was so good to talk to you
me: it always is! - It never is.
Zach: i know! that’s the amazing thing
8:51 AM we did an essay on heroes in my 9th grade class, you’d be amazed how many students think lawyers are heroes
me: that’s kind of sad
8:52 AM Zach: no, they just really believe that because lawyers can help the innocent, they’re heroes
me: well i hope all the lawyers they meet just strengthen that conviction
8:53 AM Zach: you can come in and confirm those convictions
me: :)
Sleep well
Zach: haha, it’s only 5pm
study hard
me: haha, eventually
i will
I want to vomit. What an awful thing to do to someone. How hard is it to be honest or at least avoid blatant lies like those.

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Setting little fires….

September 9, 2008 at 6:47 am (Uncategorized)

I sabotage myself.  I’m attracted to self-torture like a moth to a flame that he lit himself.

Fire # 1

Overanxious and impatient. Weekend trip? In a couple weeks. Just us? It’ll be fun. Romantic. Bed and Breakfast. Wineries. Hole in the wall restaurants. Come on. It’ll be fun.

It would’ve been cheesy anyway.

Fire # 2

Drunk. And Tx…Te…TT… T_E_X_T_I_N_G….

“DrNk and hoRNy :) “

“Well good luck trying to get laid. I’m going to bed, like a responsible law student.”

“come oN, Dnt make me dRunk dail you”

……

Drunk. And. D_A…D_I_L…D_I_A_L_I_N_G.

“Congrashulashiooons! Thiss is yer firsst drunk dial from me! YAY! Are yousssleepin;?”

“I hope to very soon.”

“WHYYYY? You know i drive riight passtyer exit on my way home! Wanna have a little fun?”

“I have a big day tomorrow. I’m going to sleep. Wait, drive? You’re not really going to drive home like that are you?”

“Oh pleeease, I’m not thhaaat drunk. I wasjis kidding!”

“Don’t be dumb.”

“I’m not! I have to go.”

………

Fire #3

I have his password. It’s the only way I can find out what he’s doing now. What he’s been doing since… well, since the spring.

Login.

Inbox.

Heart drops. Heart stops. Stomach flips. Spine shivers. Am I breathing?

I shouldn’t be reading this, I shouldn’t be reading this, I shouldn’t be reading this…

Really? He’s moved on… he really said that to her? He used to say that to me…

That was

Our Thing.

I shouldn’t be reading this, I shouldn’t be reading this. I. shouldn’t.

But I did. And as much as I like to pretend it doesn’t.

It hurts.

One day. Three Fires. Why do I do this.

I want to be as mature as people think I am. I want this new fresh start to be a good one. I want to develop good habits. I don’t want to manipulate, and lie, and play games… only to be left with nothing but a password and regret.

Growing hurts.

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Changing Seasons

September 8, 2008 at 4:23 pm (Love/Lust)

The curtain of spring’s rain shut on seven years of my life. Seven. Long. Years. Full of whispered good mornings with his taste still on my lips from the night before, full of lazy afternoons spent watching meaningless television, full of long nights spent twirling round and round stuck on neverending sadness-go-round arguments, full of loving hands wiping away tears, full of mundane conversations about nothing, full of headaches and regrets and secrets.

The summer’s heat bore down on my back as I trudged through the garbage and muck and regret and fear and anger and jealousy of one-ness. Lost in a sandy, dry identity crisis. Who am I if I’m not his? How long before the vultures circle the abandoned carcus whose arms once made me feel whole and safe? Frantic panic attacks. I shouldn’t have let him go. I shouldn’t have let him go. I shouldn’t have pushed him away. I’ll be alone. I’ll be alone. I’ll be alone be alone be alone be alone. Forever. A long, dry summer, the tears of spring dried up and gone.

And then… the fall. The beginning of fall. I awake to a chilly nose, pull the covers up over my shoulder. Alone in my bed I provide my own warmth.  I don’t miss him. I don’t miss man. I’m focused on me. My needs. What I want and who I am and who I want to be. And where I am, right now. In my own bed. I don’t care where anyone else is. I’m happy to know exactly where I am.

I tell my friends. I know what I want. I want a man… who will challenge me. Who won’t give me everything I ask for. Who will love me passionately at the right moments. Who can make me laugh one moment and have me moaning the very next. Who knows what he wants and pursues it. Who will respect my independence. A man I respect. But I don’t want that man for at least a year.

You know what I’m about to tell you, reader.

You know what happens next.

I meet him. The man I’ve been describing. Within weeks of speaking him into being. And now…

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